One slightly tipsy Friday night, my friends and I stumbled on Google Feud. It’s a good time-waster that asks you to finish the ‘autocomplete’ search query term according to popularity, like so…
(Don’t blame me for that answer. Blame the world.)
This pre-weekend evening activity had me in high spirits, prompting me to do something that slammed me back down to bad spirits: I googled a search query about movie critics.
I guess I should have been shocked and appalled at these popular inquiries, but I’m not. And the fact that I’m not is shocking and appalling. I’ve kinda just accepted the fact that being a movie critic lumps me into this mass that’s perceived as disingenuous liars who serve no purpose to anyone ever.
But maybe they have a point.
I can’t answer for every movie critic in the world; I can only answer for me. So allow me to indulge in myself as I answer them.
Are movie critics paid off?
I’m definitely not, though it’s pretty much impossible for me to convince any skeptic.
You can understand the reasoning behind such an accusation. It’s easier to side with the idea that Disney slipped me a sneaky $100 to give The Lone Ranger four stars rather than the belief that someone with the status of ‘film critic’ would be genuinely entertained by the blockbuster bomb. But I genuinely did enjoy The Lone Ranger – for whatever reason – and someone will probably etch that review on my tombstone. C’est la vie.
However, everyone has a price, including me. If someone offered me a well-trained llama and a bathtub full of banana fruit bursts, you’re daaaaaaaaaaamn straight I’d fake a five star review.
Are movie critics biased?
No. Well, at least I try not to be. But the thing about having a bias is that you’re usually not aware of it.
I fear this every time I review a film from a filmmaker I admire. Often, because I’m excited to see more from that artist, I might look for the positives in their work, blinding me from the negatives. (I own The Green Hornet on Blu-ray simply because it’s from Michel Gondry. And yeah, I still pretend I enjoy it.)
On the opposite end of the stick, I might be forced to review something from someone with a bad track record. Let’s go with a totally random example: Adam Sandler. Given the recent bullshit on top of bullshit films he’s responsible for that I’ve had to review, I can easily say I’m not looking forward to Pixels. But it’s this attitude that will have me looking at the negatives, blinding me from the positives.
What if I enjoy Pixels? What if I had to admit that an Adam Sandler film was entertaining? I might fool myself into not believing it, an automated reaction to avoid being ‘that one guy’ who liked Pixels. I may not want to be that guy, but to be unbiased, I would have to suck it up and admit it. The public might throw rotten tomatoes at me, but like a wise man once said, “you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you.”
That man was Marsellus Wallace. Maybe not a role model, but he talks some real shit.
Are movie critics pointless?
Yes, movie critics are pointless. Also, my opinion is pointless. Hell, my whole career is pointless.
But so are movies. And so is this blog. And so is the screen you’re reading this from. And so is the language we use to communicate ideas. And so is your life. And so is every life. And so is the universe. And so is the concept of reality. And so is the confused feeling you’re currently feeling from reading this.
Your life is pointless. Every life is pointless. The universe is pointless. The concept of reality is pointless. The confusion you’re currently feeling from reading this is pointless.
All things that are things, have been things, or will be things, are pointless.
What’s your point?
