Father’s Day got us thinking about all the awful Dads out there that don’t deserve to be gifted socks, sporting biographies or fishing gear. Here’s our terrible ten from the big screen.
Darth Vader from the ‘Star Wars’ saga
As played by David Prowse, James Earl Jones, Bob Anderson, and Sebastian Shaw, as well as Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd, sort of
Vader is a poster boy for bad film fathers. His evil reign under the emperor aside, he actively neglected his kids throughout their entire childhood. Then, the moment he finally sees his son, he cuts his hand off and tries to impose his own desires upon him (by making him join the dark side).
In fact, his kids were so starved of love that they almost ended up ‘loving’ each. Creepy daddy issues, right there.
Alamein from ‘Boy’
As played by Taika Waititi
Boy looked up to his father. Skewed by his vivid, childish imagination, he saw his dad as this elusive, dominant figure that could shape the world as he saw fit. But then he actually met him.
Insistent on being called ‘Shogun’, Alamein slowly crushed Boy’s high expectations, eventually convincing him of the loser he actually was. Seeming to care more about the money he buried and his three-man gang the ‘Crazy Horses’, Alamein showed little interest in his son or his sweet Michael Jackson dance moves.
Royal Tenenbaum from ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’
As played by Gene Hackman
Credit is due to Royal (Gene Hackman) for having a part, however small, in producing three child prodigies. But the unscrupulous lawyer is a deadbeat dad. Examples: his daughter Margot is insensitively introduced as his “adopted daughter” to friends; he harshly reviews her first staged play when she’s just 11 years old; blatantly favours his son Richie and takes him on trips to the dog fights; and even shoots his son Chas with a BB gun – when the boy complains that he’s supposed to be on his team Royal replies victoriously: “Ha ha. There are no teams”.
Then, in perhaps his crowning achievement in the field of terrible fatherhood, he weasels his way back into the family home after years of philandering and neglect by faking cancer. Genius ruse? Yes. Recommended parenting technique? No.
Jack Torrance from ‘The Shining’
As played by Jack Nicholson
Jack Torrance grabbed an axe and went on a hunt for his son, intending to split him like firewood. That alone would give you basis for thinking he’s a pretty horrid dad. However, at that point, he was clearly out of his mind, so to judge his parenting skills based on his psychotic episode is pretty unfair.
What really makes Jack a lousy father is how he neglected to consider whether his son even wanted to spend five cold months in some building with no other children around. When the hotel manager asked Jack if his wife and son were okay with it, he arrogantly assumes “They’re going to love it.”
Every Spartan’s Dad from ‘300’
If you’re born into a Spartan family, you become a part of a unique warrior breed that prides themselves on their sense of loyalty, their tremendous skills in battle, and their ability to do the washing on their well-oiled abdomens. Being fathered by a Spartan is a huge honour… if you make the cut.
If a child is born with a physical disability, a noticeable mental condition or if it’s just unnaturally ugly, a Spartan father will dump that baby in a ditch. Literally. They will chuck that baby in a ditch specifically assigned for ‘unfit’ babies.
Denethor from ‘The Return of the King’
As played by John Noble
He may not have been too bad a guy before the death of his son Boromir (Sean Bean biting the dust again), but when that happened Denethor lost his marbles with grief and turned into a coward and a right prick to everyone.
Especially his surviving son Faramir, who he treats like crap, making it clear that Boromir was his favourite son. Seemingly because of hatred for Faramir, Denethor sends him on a suicide mission. As if that’s not enough, when Faramir comes home wounded, his dad builds a funeral pyre for him and prepares to cremate him even though he’s still alive. Steady on there, mate.
James Brody from ‘Freddy Got Fingered’
As played by Rip Torn
Sure, having Tom Green for a son would drive anyone mental – especially the most irritating, annoying and juvenile version of Tom Green (yes, that is saying something) seen in Freddy Got Fingered. But Rip Torn’s turn here as his dad James Brody is one of the best examples of the comedic gruff bully dad cliché, constantly belittling his son’s admittedly awful cartoons, rubbishing his dreams, rejecting Green’s offer of sausages and smashing his halfpipe.
Like the rest of the film, he’s relentlessly over the top as a rage-filled and foul-mouthed authority figure whose behaviour practically dares Green to drench him with elephant semen. Which also happens. Plus, as Green tells the authorities, he fingered his son Freddy!
Dr. Eldon Tyrell from Blade Runner
As played by Joe Turkel
The genius behind the mighty Tyrell Corporation, Dr. Eldon Tyrell invented the replicants that Harrison Ford chases and kills in Blade Runner but what he offers his artificial children is not much of a birthright. All they have to look forward to is being shipped off as mechanical slaves to people living in Off-World colonies or fighting in space warfare for their masters.
For most of them, they only see the rainy, neon Earth of the future when they can slip through the planet’s security systems, but when discovered they’re hunted down by blade runners like Ford’s Deckard. A few replicants live in blissful unawareness of their true nature, believing themselves to be human, but it’s hard to say whether that makes them better off.
Plus, Tyrell’s artificial children only have a short four-year lifespan – it’s no surprise replicant Roy demands of him “I want more life, f*cker”.
Guy Woodhouse from Rosemary’s Baby
As played by John Cassavetes
Rosemary’s hubby Guy is a struggling actor, who as we all know will do anything to get ahead, even enter into a pact with a satanic cult to let the wife get knocked up by the devil as happens here.
Sure, he isn’t really the baby-daddy if that’s the case, but it’s still no way to treat the son you’re pretending is yours – or treat your missus, for that matter.
Guy also doesn’t offer a particularly wholesome explanation when she wakes up covered in scratches after dreaming of devil-rape either, brushing off her concerns by saying he’d had sex with her while unconscious so as not to miss the chance to conceive. Ew.
The King Alien (not) from the Alien films
This guy is never there for his family. He has fathered over 100 xenomorphic children and his Queen doesn’t receive a single welfare cheque from him. He just face-hugs and leaves…
