Remakes are the new black, but so were emos at one point.
It’s also the source of much internet negativity (again, like emos), and while some of it may be justified, others are an unwarranted knee-jerk reaction.
I’m not really going to proclaim who’s right or wrong. I’m just going to chip in my own brand of potential praising or subjective mule-kicking to the faces of a number of upcoming Hollywood remakes.
Oldboy
Many Oldboy fans dreaded the very possible idea of an Americanised version of the brutally bonkers revenge flick. Sure enough, it’s been announced and people are not happy. Being a proud hammer-touting fanboy myself, I was ready unhinge some teeth at the news. The basis for our collective pessimism is this: the ideas, the atmosphere and the levels the film ascends to are so unique to Korean cinema that a Western equivalent is nigh impossible to comprehend. However, with Spike Lee helming it (Inside Man, 25th Hour) and Josh Brolin as supposed lead, I’ll optimistically lower my mallet for now.
Chances of being awesome = 70%
Death Note
The manga-turned-anime-turned-two-part-film has torpedoed into pop-culture, causing Hollywood to give it one more turn. The project’s been handed to Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang), so that’s an instant 40 points there. He’s also a massive fan of the series (15 points) and is over-viewing the scriptwriting process (15 points). Not sure if they can condense all that content into one feature film (0 points). Nevertheless, they’ve been in talks with Zac Efron, who, IMHO, would make a great Light Yagami (10 points). His flawless pearly eyes can stare directly into your soul, like a moisturised Grim Reaper.
Chances of being awesome = 80%
Total Recall
I’ve mentioned how totally rad the 1990 Total Recall is, not in a quality narrative sense but in an FX-pimping, Arnie-exploiting, that’s-not-how-space-physics-actually-work kind of way. As an adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s short story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, it’s really pretty shocking. That’s where this remake will find its own identity, at least I would like to think so. By being more faithful to its source material, it won’t need to worry about being eclipsed by Schwarzenegger’s shadow. Colin Farrell’s leading too, which is a plus. Hopefully, Total Recall doesn’t flop like his other recent remake did.
Chances of being awesome = 90%
Footloose
I saw Horrible Bosses a few weeks ago. The trailers that played beforehand were typical rom-com take-it-or-leave-its. One in particular caught my lazy eye. It starred a bunch of mid-20 high schoolers (uh-huh), terrible dialog, an angry/disappointed/exhausted Dennis Quaid and an accompanying soundtrack ripped from Melodrama 101, Generic Hip-hop 102 and Teenage Problems 90210. I didn’t know whether to laugh at this mystery movie or patronisingly shake my head (I may have done both). I then formed a jaw-shaped crater on the floor when the word Footloose appeared. The trailer was a total joke, with the title as its punch-line.
Chances of being awesome = GTFO%
Evil Dead
Remaking Sam Raimi’s B-classic is an oddball decision for three reasons:
1) Evil Dead 2 was pretty much a remake of the first, so to do another remake seems unnecessary.
2) Bruce Campbell is, and will always be, Ash. A sequel seems more logical than a remake. Sure, he’s old, but if you’re aware of one of the two endings for Army Of Darkness, you can see how it’d work.
3) Tree-rape scenes should never be rebooted (or be rooted, haw haw haw).
Diablo Cody’s been hired to punch-up the script and she’s been hit (Juno) or miss (Jennifer’s Body).
Chances of being awesome = 30%
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
I’ve seen two thirds of the Millennium trilogy and adore them. With its massive popularity, an American equivalent seemed to be an inevitable inconvenience. There’s a lot of dark, heavy material in the original film that the majority of Western directors would probably attempt to tiptoe around. But Hollywood played their David Fincher card. Now I’m loving the idea. Take Fincher’s brutal back catalogue, Daniel Craig and the fresh-faced Rooney Mara as leads, the kick-ass trailer and a score/soundtrack composed by the Karen O Trent Reznor combo and you’ve got a film that will probably make my face explode. Awesomely.
Chances of being awesome = 99%
The Neverending Story
Just no.
Chances of being awesome = 10%
The Warriors
The Warriors is one of my favourite films, forever ever (the blu-ray transfer is amazing). Perhaps unexpectedly, I’m not spewing at the idea of a remake. I’m more curious as to how they’ll modernise it. The gang portrayals come to mind. Then you’ve got the score, which will probably stay firm to it’s electronic roots. Getting current electro/dance legends to do film scores is pretty trendy at the moment (Prodigy’s feeling a tad left out). One thing’s certain: if Tony Scott screws this up, I will tie his ass to a train track and twirl my dastardly moustache in delight.
Chances of being awesome = 50%
