Space buses, spherical television, The SEGA Ultra Drive, these were all things I was expecting by 2011. Now that we’re nearing the conclusion of this year, I have to say our world is not as exciting as I had hoped.
I can validly place my blame on the creative sci-fi minds of the past for giving me such hopeful optimism. As a predicted future becomes the present, film geeks like myself cannot help but notice the lack of cool stuff our beloved films promised us.
That’s not to say we lack any substitute for such things. In fact, some parallels may even seem freakish. Take my hand as we go back to the past to the future that wasn’t. Then back to the present.
Clips – Strange Days
Not invented in 1999
With the help of an E.E.G. wig, the memory of someone’s experience can be recorded and re-experienced by anyone through all five senses. Of course, the government banned this technology for being too cool, making it a popular black market item for adrenaline junkies and those looking for ultra porn.
The closest thing we have: Cell phone cameras + YouTube
A decade later and we’re nowhere close to developing “clips”. However, if we’re talking about recapturing unexpected golden moments in human lives, the synchronous link between YouTube and cellular cameras is far more frequent than the Strange Days device. I guarantee you wouldn’t’ve found a “clip” of Scarlett Johansson’s chest.
Skynet – Terminator
Not invented in 2011
James Cameron made the prediction that a technological force called Skynet would attempt to overthrow the human race via red-eyed death machines named terminators. That was meant to happen a number of months ago. Fortunately, we never got a “Skynet.” Unfortunately, we don’t have any death machines named terminators either.
The closest thing we have: Apple
If we’re talking about a shady manufacturer that’s taking over the world with its freaky technology in a totally unforgiving manner, then Apple’s a much bigger threat to humanity than Skynet. With an unholy legion of devoted followers, touch-screen capabilities and treacherous stocking delays, Apple will eventually own this world.
HAL – 2001: A Space Odyssey
Not invented in 1992
In the ‘90s, we were meant to have artificial intelligence with the ability to handle complex intergalactic machinery, comprehend rational thought and maintain a delightful conversation. HAL 9000 was it. He was also a cold-blooded killer with a red optic lens that peers into your soul. But hey, glitches happen.
The closest thing we’ve got: Talking Tom Cat
The Talking Tom Cat’s no HAL, but it still creeps the fuck out of me. This iPhone app replays a small voice recording through a freaky-looking cat’s screeching voice. It has a ColecoVision’s AI, but folks love talking to it (even if half of them are blurting “I love cock”).
Time Travel – TimeCop
Not invented in 2004
In the distant year of 2004, a specified police force is granted the use of time travel in order to bring criminals to justice before the crime is ever committed. Simultaneously, Jean-Claude went back and killed the inventor of time travel with a roundhouse kick. So it never really happened.
The closest thing we have: Aromascope (4D)
Instead of advancing our understanding the forth dimension, we take a jump to the left and resurrect the third dimension into cinema. Then Robert Rodriguez takes a step to the right and introduces the forth dimension again: Aromascope. We’re still a few pelvic thrusts away from creating a time warp.
Cryogenics – Demolition Man
Not invented in 1996
Who knows how they’d’ve gotten it through the ethics committee, but 15 years ago, cryo-prisons were predicted to be suitable punishments for heavy law-breakers. This would imply that we perfected the art of cryogenics. Unfortunately for Walt Disney, we haven‘t cracked that frozen nutshell yet. Give it another 30 years.
The closest thing we’ve got: A miraculous coma recovery
Awaking from a period of stasis may require a very precise collision with a truck. Ask Terry Wallis who ‘miraculously’ recovered after being in a 19 year coma. Sort of. He still has mental deformities and a heavy speech impediment, but so did Stallone in Demolition Man. Meh, tomaeto tomato.
Batman/Superman movie – I Am Legend
Probably not made in 2012
In 2007, a Batman Superman movie crossover seemed entirely plausible. Four years after I Am Legend sent this geek-sized sonic boom, the possibility’s diminished. Unless DC unveil the mother of all surprises, it’s safe to say that this isn’t going to happen any time soon. That’s not a bad thing…
The closest thing we have: The Avengers, Superman: Man Of Steel, The Dark Knight Rises
…for we have Superman, Batman and a superhero crossover in the next two years. Sure, the fanboys are still sending virtual snarls at Snyder, but there’s no denying the collective excitement over The Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers. And if you’re still bitter over the Batman/Superman film, boo hoo.
Futuristic payphones – Back to the Future 2
Probably not invented in 2015
It’s not exactly clear how futuristic the payphones in Back To The Future 2 are, but one thing’s certain: we‘re not getting ‘em. Time will tell if we’ll get pink hoverboards, food hydrators or Jaws 19. At least you can put a mortgage on a pair of Nike power laces.
The closest thing we’ve got: These two payphones on Queen Street
Yep, two payphones on Queen Street. That’s it. And they still work. I think. Well, I’m not sure, I use a cell phone like the rest of the world. There’s an urban legend floating around that someone went inside one of the booths and made a phone call, but IDK.
