I have a friend called Alex. She’s never seen Star Wars. A bunch of my friends got together and made her watch it. Her first account of A New Hope was somewhat accurate (you can read that here) – however by the time Empire Strikes Back came around, it was quite late and we were quite intoxicated. At this point we were drinking Riccadonna and cans of Korean beer, which resulted in some pretty great quotes from the room like: “Is Queen Armadillo his mum?” and “Who’s that gold dude again?”
What follows is Alex’s account of the best Star Wars movie, whilst under the influence of a six pack of Hite.
Rose: Alright, The Empire Strikes Back. Number 2. Immediately you thought it was great.
Alex: Within several seconds.
R: ‘I like this one!’ was the exact quote.
A: And you know what did it – it was the ice. And the snow. I found it instantly more relatable than space, because I understand ice.
R: do you understand ice, more than like, the sand in Tatooine?
A: Yup. There’s not as much sand as there is ice in NZ.
(NOTE: Not entirely sure if this is true science)
R: Where have you been that’s icy?!!?!
A: I have been to the… Antarctic Centre in Christchurch.
R: Okay so, again, can you please give me a brief synopsis of what happens in The Empire Strikes Back.
A: Okay…
R: Spoiler alert.
A: And theeeennnnn….those 1885’s come down.
Other friend Cleo: you haven’t even mentioned the thing about the guts!
A: Oh yeah! that tuku or whatever it is.
A: What’s it called?
R: Taun Taun!
A: Okay and that was just the first couple minutes.
R: So they’re on Hoth, and then they get off Hoth…
A: They get off Hoth because of all of the stress. And they go to….
R: where does Luke go?
Very long silence.
R: Who does he go to meet?
A: Oh, Yoda!
A: Oh, okay! Oh my god! Okay! We arrive, in a marsh.
And then Yoda arrives on the scene…
Alex burps
R: So Han and Leia, what’s their situation? They’re on the Falcon, where did they go?
A: Space.
R: What sticky situation do they get stuck in?
A: they get stuck onto another alien….
Other other friend Sophie: Asteroid!
A: Oh!
R: Okay, let’s fast forward to Cloud City. What happens there?
A: Ummm…
R: What’s going on with Han and Leia?
A: They’re fucking kissing all the time. Basically. Is what I’m saying. They’re in love, and he knows. (Knows what?)
R: So what happens next?
R: And what happens to Han?
A: He gets…turned to stone? Is that what happens?
Other friend Cleo: (whispering) Carbon freezing.
A: Oh, ok. He goes down into the platform…
A: A door for my new club that I’m going to open. DIVERSION – I’m opening a new club. The dance floor is going to look like the carbon freezing chamber and there’s also going to be a slide.
R: Is there a big hole in the middle of the dance floor?
A: Yes. And it just opens intermittently and people fall down into another part of the club. Every door has Han on it.
R: So like everyone in the club is getting accidentally carbon frozen?
A: Yup.
Other other friend Sophie: I feel like there should be a lot of dry ice.
A: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. End of diversion. So Luke is training – is he still training with Yoda? Oh yeah, so they’re moving rocks. And Yoda pulls up this ship with all this spinach on it.
S: And who does he have a vision of?
A: An old…woman?
R: Did you enjoy the movie?
A: I enjoyed it ten fold more than the first one we watched.
R: It is the best one.
A: I still don’t know what a Jedi is.
