The biggest problem with falling in love with dudes from old movies is when you finally Wikipedia them and find out they died some time in the early 90s, and then you get really sad about it and watch tons of weird fan photo tribute slideshows on YouTube until you become tired and deluded enough to think that you could do a way better job at it. It’s not until you find yourself up at three in the morning applying ‘Ken Burns effect’ to watermarked photos of Jack Lemmon on IMovie that you realise you need to get some hobbies.
I mean, I love Ryan Gosling as much as the next girl or guy, but there’s just something about the old Hollywood studio era film stars that just floats my boats. Also, I kind of use the excuse that they’re dead to justify why they wouldn’t go out with me. Here are some of my top picks of babes from beyond the grave.
Rock Hudson
Rock Hudson was a bonafide hottie. His amazing good looks, beautiful smile and rugged charm means he rates highly on any girl’s ‘Sha-wing-o-meter’. (If a Sha-wing-o-meter is not a thing yet, it should be a thing.)Of course, it’s widely known that Rock was a hunk who loved other hunks, which in my mind makes him even more attractive. Sort of like the same attraction I have for Guy Pearce in Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert. (Sidenote – Is it wrong to be more attracted to him when he’s in full drag and lipsynching to ‘Finally’? Answer: No, not it is not. )
Highlights: Any of his Doris Day collabs, but the best out of those would most definitely be Pillow Talk. However, my favourite Rock Hudson movie would have to be All That Heaven Allows starring Jane Wyman and directed by the awesome Douglas Sirk. The scene where he sees Wyman at the Christmas tree yard is so gut wrenching and sweet.
Lowlights: The fact that he lived in a time and worked in an industry where he was forced to live in the closet up until his early death to AIDS breaks my heart. RIP Rock.
James Stewart
James Stewart is what I would describe as a ‘total cutie’. His bumbling, shy, boy next-door persona makes his irresistible to the ladies. He was a bit of a man around town back in his New York days as a struggling actor, alongside his wingman Henry Fonda. Isn’t that just the coolest? Jimmy Stewart and Henry Fonda, totally wingmanning each other back in the 1940s. Is wingmanning even a word?
Highlights: Philadelphia Story, The Shop Around the Corner, It’s A Wonderful Life, Harvey, Mr Smith Goes To Washington . However, he was arguably at his most babealicious in one of his first film roles (albeit a very minor one) in the 1936 Nelson Eddy/Jeanette McDonald film, Rose-Marie.
Lowlights: Jimmy Stewart can’t really kiss. He does that weird thing that most guys did in old movies where they would bundle the girl up in their arms and kiss them, but that would mean their chins would sort of retract into their neck creating the illusion of a billion chins. As he got a bit older, he starred in some of my favourite Hitchcock movies, including Vertigo, where he does this to Kim Novak all the time.
Also, I’m pretty sure James Stewart’s face was bright purple for about 98% of that movie.
Laurence Olivier
I saw My Week With Marilyn last week. Aside from my indifference to Marilyn Monroe (OVERRATED) I enjoyed the movie, and was very impressed with Kenneth Branagh’s portrayal of Olivier. At moments he sounded EXACTLY like Laurence, nailing that sort of ‘talking without moving your mouth’ thing he’d always do. Laurence’s babeness comes from the fact that he was a darn good actor, and pretty easy on the eye at that. He’s that kind of guy who can rock a pencil thin moustache and girls will be like ‘dayum shawty, you don’t look like a sex offender AT ALL!’
Highlights: I really love him in Rebecca. There’s this real natural warmth and cuteness in his affection towards Joan Fontaine’s character. I suppose this is a true testament to his acting abilities, considering he hated her for getting the part over his then current squeeze and future wife, Vivien Leigh. What can I say, the man’s a pro.
Lowlights: Marathon Man. Not even Laurence Olivier can turn a former Nazi interrogator with a penchant for diamonds and dentistry into a heartthrob.
Cary Grant
More dudes should be like Cary Grant. His screwed up half British half-American accent gave him a sort of distinguished charm, even though half of the time you can hardly understand what he’s saying. He was an early pioneer of the cleft chin, and even when he got a bit older and his skin got sort of old and leathery like a tortoise, he still had that Cary Grant swag.
Highlights: The Philadelphia Story, North By Northwest, Charade, To Catch a Thief.
Lowlights: In the somewhat underwhelming Hitchcock film Suspicion, he plays a man who is suspected of trying to kill his wife. Hey Cary Grant, I hear you’re trying to kill your wife! Why not poison her milk and then carry it up the staircase to her in the dark and be all scary and shit. She won’t suspect A THING.
Honorable mention – Dick Van Dyke
Not dead yet, but at 86 he is on his way. When he finally crosses to the other side, I imagine he will ascend into heaven riding a porpoise while singing ‘Me Ol’ Bamboo’. Dick is the whole package – good voice, sense of humour and a strong chin. Caractacus Potts in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang may be the ultimate example of a DILF with his distinguished grey streak in the slight wave to his hair and his sexy leather tweed elbow patches. I’m sorry, that got creepy. But I mean come on – who wouldn’t want to marry someone who can invent an incredibly convoluted device that cooks one sausage and one egg for dinner every night? NO ONE. That’s who.
Which dead movie stars do you love? Chuck me a comment below and we can all mourn them together.
