Matt Glasby’s monthly column How to… turns a sly, critical eye on how the movie world really works. This month: How to… make a Bond film.
With 25 movies in 63 years—that’s one every two-and-a-half years—the Bond franchise is the ageing uncle of the blockbuster world: fondly thought of, but a little bit racist.
Following its recent sale to Spectre, sorry, Amazon, there’s going to be a hell of a lot more on the way. Here’s how to stop them getting Bond wrong.
Cast a Bond who can act
When Daniel Craig first stepped into Bond’s shoes he was criticised for everything from his hair colour (“James Blond!” shrieked the papers) to his height (a respectable 5ft 10). But unlike, say, George Lazenby, Craig has the virtue of being a really great actor. This stood the increasingly variable series in good stead because he sold every scene he was in—basically all of them.
Whoever gets the role next needs to be (deep breath now): handsome, fit, recognisable, but not famous, and equally adept at action, comedy and romance. Yep, it’s impossible, so perhaps settling on someone who can pretend to do these things well is the simplest solution.
Get the tone right
There’s a sweet spot—quite a wide one, in fact—between the ultra-violent revenge narrative of Licence to Kill and the ultra-stupid spectacle of Die Another Day’s invisible car.
But how to hit it? The script should be witty rather than jokey; the action needs to be larger than life, but still physically possible; and there must be a tangible threat to Bond/Britain/the world without introducing a stupid I-am-your-brother backstory as they did, unforgivably, in Spectre. In other words aim for Casino Royale, but settle for GoldenEye.
Sort out the politics
The world has moved on since 1953, when Ian Fleming created Bond, so it’s time to reflect that onscreen. If there must be Bond girls, can we at least call them Bond women, as Craig insisted. And please no terrifying age gaps (Roger Moore and Mary Stävin in A View to a Kill), sneaking up on people in the shower (Daniel Craig and Bérénice Marlohe in Skyfall) or egregious fridging (pretty much all of them).
No matter what you’ve read online, there’s no reason why Bond can’t be a person of colour, LGBTQ+, female, or all of the above. As long as they’re badass—and a blunt instrument of British colonialism.
Pick a good baddie
With the news full of cartoonish super-villains intent on world domination, better to stick to the basics. Take a sinister actor in the Mads Mikkelsen mould, give them a legit reason to be angry (betrayed by country/Bond stole their girlfriend/lost on crypto), and let the sparks fly.
Unlike (another deep breath now): Emilio Largo, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Alec Trevelyan, Tang Lin Zao, Le Chiffre, Raoul Silva, Ernst Stavro Blofeld again and Lyutsifer Safin, there’s no need for them to be facially disfigured—it’s offensive and cliched. If there must be henchmen, let’s avoid evil gay ones such as Mr Wint and Mr Kid in Diamonds are Forever.
Choose a great theme song
No more dreary ballads, it’s time for an absolute banger. Adele’s Skyfall aside, the most on-the-brief Bond songs of the past few years are Chris Cornell’s You Know My Name from Casino Royale and Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Another Way to Die from Quantum of Solace.
So perhaps another ageing rock act should have a crack? Our suggestion is Muse, whose 2012 song Supremacy was a clear bid for the Skyfall job. And it’s not too late to dust off Radiohead’s monumental Man of War, which was rejected in favour of (checks notes) Sam Smith for Spectre.
Go nuts with the directors
Former Bond producers the Broccolis were so protective of the property they ditched Danny Boyle—one of the greatest directors of all time—over creative differences. But Amazon are unlikely to be quite so precious. If they can’t bring back Boyle—and the campaign starts here—they could sign up avowed Bond fan Quentin Tarantino to make his own, incredibly chatty, version.
Or, you know, a female film-maker—Katherine Bigelow being the obvious choice. Christopher Nolan, meanwhile, is surely a shoo-in. As a wealthy, well-travelled British/American who isn’t very good with emotion, he’d be perfect for the job.
