Nobody likes a jerk (except other jerks).
Douche bags are slightly different tyrants however. There’s a tinge of ignorance that comes with being such a person, often being partially or completely unaware of just how douchy they really are.
It’s that ignorance that can give certain douche bags a particular likeability. Whether they’re spitting out lines of witty jerkiness or demonstrating acts of blissful idiocy, these are unique characters that have a near oxymoronic appeal. You don’t necessarily want to be friends with these people, but you’ll definitely want to be friends-of-friends (or follow them on Twitter at least).
Now that I’ve finished my 50 standard reps of a 165kg bench-press, I present to you a short list of 7 movie douche bags that I can’t help but like.
Willie (Bad Santa)
There’s an innate human condition that causes all of us to find a drunken deadbeat mall Santa somewhat amusing. The creators of Bad Santa knew this and capitalised. Willie’s a total loser, and he embraces it, carelessly disfiguring a child’s image of the jolly fat man simply ‘cause he really doesn’t give a shit. Is he aware of his douchiness? God no. He’s barely aware of his own existence let alone his social intolerability. He simply focuses on stealing and surviving, doing so in the most vile, shameless and entertaining way possible.
Dicky (The Fighter)
You know that guy who you’ve been friends with throughout your school years who’s quite exocentric, loves to party, seems to know everyone in town but the moment you ask him to watch your bag for a minute he mysteriously disappears (with you bag) until you run into him a year later, awkwardly ask how it’s going, eventually inquiring about the bag you asked him to look after only for him to change the subject and ask if you’ve got a spare $20? Yeah, that’s Dicky.
Phil (Groundhog Day)
Phil is a maestro in distasteful expressionism. Forced to repeat a day that everyone but him loves, he found bewilderingly creative ways to exemplify his douchiness, whether it be tricking a naïve blonde into sleeping with him or sucker punching an overly enthusiastic high school chum. But it’s really the Murray-isms than give the character such a strange likeability. Eventually, Phil did discover that he was a douche bag. It only took him 38 days and 4 suicide attempts to realise it.
Malcolm Tucker (In The Loop)
Crossing this political figure will cause him to give you an insight to how pointless your very being is, unafraid to make the comparison between you and a horse’s scrotum. Malcolm probably knows that he’s a douche, but he glorifies the persona to a commendable art form that’s beautiful to behold and pretty damn maddening/frightening to receive. Not even he can be aware of such mastery. Nor would he give an f-star-star-****.
Tony Stark (Iron Man)
To be fair, Starky does garner some credible nobility as he transitions from wealthy playboy to tech-heavy superhero. Well, actually, he used that nobility as coal to fuel his freight train of an ego. After being specifically told by S.H.I.E.L.D. to keep his mouth shut about being Iron Man, he goes out literally minutes later and tells the press “I’m Iron Man.” Ignoring the impracticality and consequential nature of his action for simple glory is pretty douchy, but let’s be honest, it was pretty freakin’ awesome.
Mark Zuckerberg (The Social Network)
The actual founder of Facebook may not be a complete bag of douche, but his silver screen counterpart was nothing but. Despite being a backstabbing wank, you can’t really hate Zuckerberg in The Social Network. His witty banter combined brilliantly with his couldn’t-care-less attitude, meshing into a bangers ’n’ mash of rare social douchiness that’s so absorbing and enjoyable to watch.
Hamm (Toy Story)
Hamm is the source of knowledge to numerous matters you’ve always pondered over, dispensing handy take-home doggy bags of insightful information. Other times, he’s the douche who answers the questions you never asked, frequently stating irrelevant facts with demeaning condescension. He really is the magic 8-ball of bullshit. Sometimes he’ll say the right things, other times you just want to tell him to eat a sock sandwich.
There’s my list. If any more likeable movie douche bags come to mind, feel free to add to the list in the comments section below.
And if you choose to LIKE this post, I’ll assume it’s because I’m so amazingly awesome (which I fully am) and not because I’m a douche bag (which I’m fully not).
165kgs is quite a bit of weight BTW. Just sayin’.
