I own quite a lot of DVDs. I went through a big buying phase when I was younger that I am since over (apart from the other day when I bought both seasons of Downton Abbey as well as the soundtrack because I was having a little mental breakdown.)
My best movies get placed in full view for visitors, as if to say “Look everyone! Look how many great, critically acclaimed movies I am a fan of! Love me forever!'” However, there is another pile. A pile that is hidden. These are the movies of my DVD Pile of Shame.
Mannequin (1987)
Sometimes when I meet people for the first time, I like to tell them a fact about myself which sums me up as a person. I usually end up telling them that I own two copies of the 1987 film Mannequin. They usually end up finding a way to exit the conversation and go stand at the other side of the room alone.
I am not ‘ironically’ into this movie because how bad it is. I love this movie. I love the awful music. I love Andrew McCarthy and his little cute, rat-like face. I love watching it and remarking about how unhealthily skinny Kim Cattrall looks just so I can make myself feel better about eating three mini Memphis Meltdowns.
I ordered this movie on TradeMe and Amazon on two separate occasions. The twist? Both copies have since disappeared under very mysterious circumstances. *cue Twilight Zone theme music* Who could have taken them? The ghost of Andrew McCarthy’s career, perhaps? Maybe the universe wants to rid the world of this film’s existence? I’m not entirely sure – all I know is that owning two empty DVD cases of Mannequin is way more depressing than owning the actual films.
Shanghai Noon (2000)
Back in the day when DVDs first started taking over video stores, Video Ezy would have these massive VHS tape sales where they would sell videotapes for about two dollars each. My mum gave me 20 bucks to spend, and I stocked up on films that I would watch about a million times over the next few years. My picks included Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me, the crappy remake of Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser that I secretly love with all my heart, Charlie’s Angels, Big Momma’s House, and my favourite of them all, Shanghai Noon. So much so, that it managed to crossover from my VHS collection into my hidden shame DVD collection. And why not – this movie has it all! Great Jackie Chan action, Owen Wilson acting like Owen Wilson and making no attempt to adapt his acting style to the historical context, as well as light to semi-heavy racism!
My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)
I was given this as a birthday present when I turned 14 as part of a cute little girly pamper pack with chocolate and face masks that smelt like cucumber. I laughed as I opened the present and saw this movie, secretly planning to sell it on TradeMe and use the profits to buy more chocolate. Here we are, 5 years later. Have I sold it? No. Have I watched it about 40 times and wished I had a sassy gay best friend like Rupert Everett? Yes. Yes, I have done this.
That Was Then…This Is Now (1985)
I have absolutely no shame in telling you that both my copies of The Outsiders grace my A-rotate DVD pile. ‘Why two copies?’ I’m glad you asked, Voices-In-My-Head. My first copy is the $35 copy I bought from Soundz back when buying a DVD was kind of a big deal. The second copy is the re-mastered (re-mastered being code for ‘ruin shit’) version where Francis Ford Coppola took out all the awesome, albeit inappropriately grand score by Carmine Coppola and shoehorned Elvis songs into it, hoping no one would notice. Well I DID, Frank, as well as MANY others on the IMDB messenger boards! It also features a lot of bonus features with Ralph Macchio (who’s amazingly youthful looks suggest that he must be hiding a portrait of himself in the attic à la Dorian Gray) and C. Thomas Howell, who is just super old and crazy.
SIDENOTE RANT ALERT! Why do the people who make DVD extras always insist on interviewing the stars of the movie years later, when they’re just downright depressing? The only exception to this is the special features of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory where you see Peter Osgood all grown up with a hilarious moustache and then you IMDB him and find out he became a veterinarian and you laugh for ten minutes and then think how cool and sad it would be if grown up Charlie Bucket was the one to put down your cat.
SIDENOTE OVER! (I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!)
Anyway, the point is that I am a massive fan of The Outsiders and loved S.E. Hinton’s books as a teenager. That Was Then, This Is Now however, is really awful. The screenplay was written by Emilio Estevez, which doesn’t particularly bode well, so I’ve only watched it once. So, thanks Emilio Estevez for making me change my DVD region code to zone 1 just to watch your sucky movie. Oh wait, did I say thanks? I meant to say YOU SUCK EMILIO.
Beverly Hills Cop 3 (1994)
It’s a scientific fact that Beverly Hills Cop 1 and 2 are the most awesome movies ever. My first encounter with these films was when my mum let me stay up late and watch them back-to-back on Prime one night when I was 11. I’m not sure my mum knew they were wildly inappopriate for an 11 year old to watch, since I’m pretty sure they have at least two pivotal scenes set in strip clubs. However, if it hadn’t been for her parental neglect, I would never have discovered the two movies that I would claim to be my favourites from the age of 12 to 16. (Fun Fact Trivia about Rose: My Neopets username was billy_rosewood25, named after Judge Reinhold’s character in BHC. I instantly regret telling you that.)
In comparison to its predecessors, Beverly Hills Cop 3 is a bit of a disappointment. For starters, it’s rated M which pretty much guarantees we’re not going to be seeing any boobs. It seems that director John Landis decided to take the franchise into a more family-friendly direction, which is another way of saying that he ruined everything. Why John Landis, why???
Encino Man (1992)
My friend Heidi gave me this. I have not watched it and have tried to give it back to her a number of times, but she never takes it back.
EDIT: After googling Encino Man for a photo to put in the blog, this movie actually looks awesome to me now. Totally going to watch it right now.
Do you have any shameful confessions to make about your DVD collection? I’m sure you do. Comment and let me know, we can talk about it and then maybe braid each other’s hair and talk about boys.
