I’m sure you’re a frequent movie-goer (if you’re not, welcome to Flicks!), so you’ve probably come across someone who talked during a film – much to your annoyance. Some people talk simple because they’re a dickhole, but a lot talk due to their ignorance of cinema etiquette. Either way, you’re gonna want to “shush” them.
However, telling someone to be quiet in the cinema is kind of like going to a hat party and telling someone who is wearing a fish on their head that fish are not hats. The person with the fish on their head will show one of three reactions:
1) Compliance
2) Aggression
3) Confusion
Some people are simply going to react in one way no matter how you approach the situation, but the reaction of others can be dependent on your approach. If you want to avoid Angry Conflict Number 2 when asking a complete stranger to be quiet, a passive approach is your best option.
As long as the talker is talking due to ignorance (and not due to dickholeishness), shushing a cinema talker can be a very smooth and easy experience. Such a peaceful reaction requires the shusher’s mind to be free of anger, but rarely is that the case. Here’s why:
A cinema talker usually begins by talking during the pre-show trailers and advertisements, often stating the bleating obvious since they haven’t been to a cinema for ages.
This is no big deal to you. The movie hasn’t started yet, so it’s perfectly acceptable behaviour. Besides, you’re checking Facebook on your phone right now and you don’t want to be a dirty, filthy hypocrite.
But five minutes into the film, the person begins to mutter something to their buddy. This is the part where they mention something about the leading star.
You don’t react, because this may be a one-off comment – there’s always that chance. However, you have singled this person out as a potential talker and put a mental monitor on them. If they continue this behaviour in the next two-three minutes, they better put up some barricades because you’ll be hitting them with a very stern STFU glare.
Fortunately, for 10 blissful minutes, the person doesn’t say anything, making it appear that they do have some semblance of self-control. But the moment you lower your guard is the moment the movie introduces skin-tight leather and the voluptuous starlet that fills them, which inevitably leads to…
Not only is this person talking during the film, they’re not even being subtle anymore. You clench your teeth and pucker your lips back and forth, practising your almighty “shush” face. But you remain stationary, still holding that branch of wilted hope that they’ll cease their impulsive chat-hole. They did manage to stay silent for 10 whole minutes after all, and maybe the talker’s mate will finally see some sense and tell their friend to be quiet, saving you from confrontation.
For the next five minutes, they are silent. However, you’re now at that point where you’re anticipating an utterance, your lips moist at the very prospect of “shushing” the talker. Hell, a part of you wants them to talks just so you can “shush” them so hard. It’s an anticipation that’s distracting you from the movie.
Another five minutes later and they’re still silent. You ease up and accept the possibility that the friend actually did tell the talker to quiet down, so now you’re able to dedicate your full attention to the film.
But the following five minutes breaks you. The talker murmurs something completely irrelevant to the movie…
…and like a fragile Jenga tower against a stiff breeze, your tolerance collapses and shatters all in one motion.
Game over. This is the point of no return. You turn around and verbally strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger that person who attempted to poison and destroy your silence.
The talker is now put on the spot, taken by surprise at such a strong reaction. In their mind, they believe you’ve overreacted given they had no idea how increasingly irritated you’ve become with their behaviour. This leaves them to respond in an equally strong defensive manner.
The next couple of angry exchanges go by in a blur of rage, a blur that probably could have been avoided if the passive response was chosen. But allowing anger levels to build up makes it exponentially more difficult to simmer it back down – making the passive response almost an impossibility.
In these cases, it’s best to react with the passive response either as soon as possible or to put a happy mask over your real face – which is expressing radioactive levels of hatred and fury – when the situation breaks you.
But like I said before, the passive response isn’t going to yield peaceful results against the dickholes who are fully aware of cinema etiquette and simply don’t give a shit about anyone else. Fortunately, I plan to bring a law-enforced policy that will ensure an appropriate course of action – if I win a seat in parliament.
