After attending the Flicks preview screening of The Thing, I couldn’t help but sympathise for the one guy who wished to keep the creature alive in order to understand it, ya know, in the name of science or whatever. But, for whatever reason, this brave man was portrayed as a douchebag. And for what? For having a contrary motive to the rest of the “kill it, kill it now!” crowd?
No one ever bothered to ask the alien how it felt about being stranded on a remote planet, frozen for God knows how long, only to be placed on a table and have part of its tissue removed. That’s some traumatising shit. It’s of no surprise the thing went a little schizo.
Now I’m no psychology major (well, actually I am), but it seems to me we’ve been judging a number of these aliens with too much haste. Instead of lifting that machete, we should be lifting our hands and rubbing the backs of these mentally challenged visitors (unless, anatomically speaking, they don’t have a back).
Let’s examine 6 aliens and diagnose them of their underlying mental conditions. Hopefully I won’t embarrass my UoA Bachelor of Arts degree.
The Blob
It crawls. It creeps. It makes everyone go ape-shit the moment it appears. This amorphous raspberry-jam-like creature absorbs all lifeforms it passes, constantly growing in size. It sucks you in and uses you for its own bodily gain, draining you of your entire being until there’s nothing left (a bit like marrying Kim Kardashian, hardy har har). It has no distinguishable facial features, no musculoskeletal system and no sense of direction in its life.
Diagnosis: Eating Disorder
This poor creature has never had the ability to communicate. Everyone it approaches runs away screaming. It’s a lonely and stressful existence being a near unintelligible blob. The only way to gain some gratification in its life is to eat, seeing as it’s the only thing it can do. However, the more it eats, the more it grows. The heavy stigma that comes with obesity only furthers the blob’s insecurities, causing it to consume more. It’s a total downward spiral.
Recommended treatment: A steady three-coarse meal of Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons and Jared the Subway guy.
Martians (The War Of The Worlds)
These invaders from space crashed down to Earth, mircowaved a bunch of people and held humanity by the ballsack like it just caught a snapper. But suddenly, out of freakin’ nowhere, they die. Turns out, their feeble immune system was no match for our breakthrough pollution technology. Well, it was actually influenza that killed them, but we’ll take credit for that too. But why did the Martians have such weak immunities to begin with?
Diagnosis: Mysophobia
Yep, the entire race had what most refer to as Germaphobia. As a springboard from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Mysophobia is the rabid fear of germs and potentially harmful bacteria. After countless millennia avoiding germs, exposure to an earthling’s cold is like getting fast-acting full body cancer.
Recommended treatment: Gradual exposure of the phobia, starting from “dirty dishes” to “Richie McCaw’s loincloth.”
Stitch (Lilo and Stitch)
Another crash-lander, but more approachable. With that said, he’s still viciously unpredictable. Under that blue puppy-mouse-beetle-hybrid exterior is a misfit that could easily be misinterpreted. There’s also the fact that he’s an intergalactic fugitive. It takes an adorable Hawaiian girl to give Stitch some sort of order and affection. So what’s the deal with his spastic nature?
Diagnosis: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Like a kid discovering a taste for Red Bull, Stitch is a constant green light. His plans are nothing more elaborate than “do it” and he had the attention span of a Michael Bay fanatic. It’s pretty common for severe ADHD sufferers to be thrown in jail. Considering Stitch is an intergalactic fugitive, we can assume he has Intergalactic Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Right…?
Recommended Treatment: A couple of episodes of Coronation Street should slow him right down.
Paul
He’s a total dude, never feeling like doing much, happy just to chill back, smoke a few joints and bullshit with a couple of buds. Paul’s been on this planet for a few decades and seems completely cultured in our ways, hardly being fazed by anything. Is there a particular reason for his relaxed demeanour?
Diagnosis: Depression
The guy’s been unemployed for the past 50 years, unable to contribute to society (aside from indirectly inspiring Western alien pop-culture). Galactic space weed takes the edge off, as does being with two sci-fi geeks who are in total awe over his existence. However, his marijuana addiction spawned from his ever present feeling of total loneliness, hiding under a cool, composed persona just so he won’t hurt anyone else.
Recommended Treatment: Try medicinal.
E.T.
He has the ability to string together a legible sentence after only a few day’s exposure to our language. That’s a sure sign of some incredible mental processes. Assuming everyone in E.T.’s race has an equally superior frontal gyrus, these creatures should be the galactic masters of language. So why does E.T. talk at the pace of a brain-damaged Lou Ferrigno?
Diagnosis: Expressive/Broca’s Aphasia
E.T. suffered extensive head trauma, damaging wherever his Broca’s area is (it’s like the central hub of speech production). This does not effect his lexicon or comprehension, but it makes him speech like an asthmatic toddler.
Recommended Treatment: Go home. Call me in the morning.
“Prawns” (District 9)
Making an emergency landing in the slums of Johannesburg (AKA paradise), the insect-like creatures playfully nicknamed “prawns” are kept in captivity until the government knows exactly what to do with them. The aliens play nonethewiser, withdrawing to the officials that restrain them and constantly making deals with the South African gangs that always stab them in the back. The prawns have weapons, they have the muscle, why don’t they just rebel?
Diagnosis: Stockholm Syndrome
The prawns are experiencing the psychological phenomenon where they empathise with the bastards that hold them captive. Not only do they not mind being treated like dogs, they most likely feel it to be the best course of action. Obedience leads to a non-aggressive response, which leads to cat food (it’s like alien crack). Within a few weeks under these conditions, they begin to feel safe with their captors.
Recommended Treatment: A three-year R ‘n’ R session.
