Welcome to the social dilemma of 2015: Fifty Shades of Awkward.
Where generations past demurred over which cutlery to use for lobster tails, how best to navigate a social function where everyone knows the host’s husband is having an affair with his cousin’s lemur or how to prevent poor grandmama from wandering downstairs in her all together, this week we face a real question of civilised etiquette
Who on Earth does a gentleman of the 21st century take to see Fifty Shades of Grey? And how do you phrase such an invitation?
As a film reviewer I have been given, nay cur… blessed, with the opportunity to see the result of adapting EL James Twilight-fan-fiction-turned-soft-porn-pop-culture-Bermuda-Triangle into the sort of screen odyssey through which future generations will surely see our society: As Rome 2.0 burned the citizens watched as Christian and Anastasia fiddled.
Now, no one is more surprised than I that I am a happily married film critic. My wife is also an unabashed reader of the books, so problem easily solved. Yet surely I won’t be the only film-goer pondering if an invitation to the film mightn’t be open to – possibly wonderful, potentially painful – misinterpretation?
Sadly no in my case. Also sadly, my wife is otherwise engaged that evening, so who do I invite a platonic date to get Shady? And how?
For starters, not a mate. A group boys’ night is out. This is about the least guys-night-out film ever made. No matter how comfortable they are with their silk ties and questionable relationships with their mothers, a handful of men are more likely to drink cocktails at intermission while enjoying the final nights of Dirty Dancing: the Musical than decide to get Greyed together. Male bonding and male bondage sound similar but are seldom achieved simultaneously.
What about a twosome? A mano-on-mano bro-date? Well, assuming I could find a mate who didn’t have a sudden unbreakable date with a lug wrench (whatever that might be). Well, frankly I couldn’t. It turns out the reason so few men read the book was due to more than merely a fear of reading.
So, what about a female friend? Statistically more likely to be a fan of the franchise. Well the following sentence is a very good test of your relationship: “Darling, I’m taking another woman to see Fifty Shades of Grey!” In my case the results were illuminating. A bit of a laugh followed by a mumbled “I’m sure she’ll enjoy that.”
My wife was, as ever, right to scoff. She predicted phase two of this awkward operation: the fact that whomever you take to see Fifty Shades of Grey will in all probability also sit next to you while you WATCH Fifty Shades of Grey.
And who doesn’t enjoy watching chemistry-free pseudo-sex with a platonic pal? Maybe hanging out for an awkward post spanking-cinema beverage? Your eyes lock across the table and … you both shudder with a shared memory of shame at that moment you sighed just as she laughed.
Perhaps not. Sadly I’m not able to take the easy solution. Oh for a month-old child that would let me attend a babes-in-arms screening – no, seriously – but for some reason my wife has nixed any suggestion of me taking our four-year-old.
Eventually, I resorted to the only realistic solution. I’m taking another critic. Usually people can’t even decide if we have a gender let alone a sex life.
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ movie times
