In Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, our hero discovers a time travelling device. Luke Buckmaster got his hands on it and visited the year 2057, discovering Harrison Ford is still playing the iconic archeologist. Here’s his review of the 25th Indiana Jones movie.
It’s a good thing Harrison Ford never retired, because at age 114 the superstar has still “got it,” flashing the same rascally smile that’s been charming audiences since the days of human-directed motion pictures and actual trees. The latest Indiana Jones film, Indiana Jones and the Nurse Who Stole His Back Pain Medication, was, like the previous 19, written and directed by SpielbergoAI, its algorithms taking the franchise in a bold new direction: gritty realism. This film delivers a more believable vision of the world’s most famous archeologist—notwithstanding some supernatural elements—who now has a buggered up back and ulcers that have their own ulcers.
Suffering from the side effects of an experimental new bowel movement medication, Jones experiences flashbacks that force him to grapple with his past as a young man who trashed sacred sites and pilfered precious artefacts from Indigenous communities, yelling “it belongs in a museum!” whenever somebody called him out on it. Meanwhile, in the present, Jones believes one of the nurses (played by AIgelina Jolie) in his retirement village is stealing his back pain medication. As he investigates, in between various trips to the bathroom, Indy discovers she’s using it during pagan rituals that summon Nazis from the dead while blasting Justin Bieber’s song Peaches, which was banned in the 2020s on the grounds of it being the worst musical track recorded in human history.
The film is auto-directed with speed and flair. In fact it’s the best paced instalment in the series since Elon Musk purchased the franchise for $698 billion (before selling it for a third of the price) and executive-produced Indiana Jones and the Awesomeness of Elon Musk Seriously I’m Awesome I Mean He’s Awesome Everyone Says So. While the film is fast, it’s aware that the protagonist is not fast, and plays into this. When the hero first rises to get out of his arm chair to follow the nurse, gravity defeats him and he plonks right back down again (cue theme song: bum bum bum bum…). However the next time he tries he’s successful (BUM BAH BAH!). In a subsequent scene he realises he can just travel by map, which is easier on his knees.
The Indiana Jones series holds up well compared to other contemporary franchises. The Fast and the Furious hasn’t recovered since a glitching VirtualVin Diesel couldn’t stop repeating the word “fam.” The Mission: Impossible films are still pretty good, though many agreed the last one didn’t need that scene with Ethan Hunt removing 37 consecutive masks, the faces revealed including L. Ron Hubbard, David Miscavige, David Miscavige’s long-lost wife Shelly, David and Shelly’s long-lost pet rodent Slippery Pete, then finally Tom Cruise, who looks a lot like Ethan Hunt.
The algorithms don’t make many mistakes in The Nurse Who Stole His Back Pain Medication, although production was not without setbacks. As was widely reported, Ford insisted on cracking the whip himself during one scene, resulting in 39 pelvic fractures. News that he still attempts some stunts is expected to help box office receipts, with millions of people predicted to upload the film to their cerebral cortex on opening weekend. Already a follow up installment has been confirmed, with Indiana Jones and the Sudden but Thankfully Brief Pain of Unpredictable Leg Cramps expected to arrive in 2069.
