If Tom Cruise’s American-sounding German pissed you off in Valkyrie, then you’re going to have a full-blown migraine in this true crime tale led by Jim Sturgess and Sam Worthington playing American-Australian Dutch kidnappers. In fairness, it was probably smarter for the stars to stick to their native tongue than to risk Worthington embarrassing himself with a botched accent. The movie itself isn’t an embarrassment either, but it’s not worth the price of a ticket.
Based on the real kidnapping of brewing company billionaire Freddy Heineken, the film follows a band of five friends who break bad when the temptation of riches boils over. These (supposedly) ordinary Joes give some decent thought into the act, like pulling off a minor bank robbery in order to fund the real crime.
The film never hits a compelling groove largely due to the leads being too ordinary. A good script can get us to side with a group of banal personalities if the dialogue’s crisp and the camaraderie clicks. Unfortunately, conversations about who has a large dick and who has a small dick is about as good as it gets. Thus, when the dominoes fall, you won’t care who hits the floor.
At least Anthony Hopkins is reliably great as Mr. Heineken, acting in a box for a combined total of about 10 minutes. But even then, the ‘mind games’ he plays with his captors do not lead to anything significant, which may have been the case in the true story. But sometimes truth isn’t better than fiction.
‘Kidnapping Mr. Heineken’ Movie Times
